The Game
by Don't tell me my name is used
Summary: James knew Sirius, so much it was abnormal, just like Sirius knew him. That's why the game was that fascinating, but it still had to end at some point. James thought he was winning until then.


People always assumed James was the sort of boy that was oblivious in the ways of love, like all boys that were too loud and hot-headed should be, because they were just arms and legs and sweat that moved too fast without thinking to notice gentle things like love, but James was not. He knew enough, he thought with certainty. And even if people were right in the sense that he spent an awfully long time to make Lily like him and were embarrassingly dense when they broke up, that he truly did not know a thing about love at all, he would rebut that he at least knew Sirius.

And boy, did he know Sirius. He knew Sirius like he knew his family's mansion from the 19th century. He knew every corner, secret passages, back doors, locked cupboards and servants' bedrooms. He knew which neglected wall had the most spider webs, which stairs creaked when stepped on and which lamps went out faster than the others. He knew Sirius just as well, so he knew what Sirius was trying to do when he gave James their favourite brand of chocolate at well-timed moments, leaned a bit closer whenever they were alone, touched his back more than necessary, made excuse to be alone with him and hopped up from nowhere whenever someone was chatting with James. Sometimes, Sirius would look at him for too long a while and just smiled without saying anything. It was painstakingly obvious to James what Sirius wanted, not to the others perhaps, because Sirius was smooth and smart in his ways, but James knew.

James loved that attention, of course. He enjoyed it more than he should, because this was Sirius and his attention was the best kind. The utter devotion made him feel invincible, like he could conquer the world with Sirius at his side, smiling that beautiful smile. So he was tempted, very tempted to lean a bit closer to Sirius too, close enough to hold his hand, he supposed, or touch his cheek with his own. At nights, he wondered what was like to make Sirius, with his wild chaotic energy and sharp edges, officially his, not that he was not now, because of course he was, but he had never made it explicit and unequivocal.

Yet, he had never really intended to put his thoughts into actions. He was just off-age. He wanted to have pure, unadulterated youthful fun. He wanted to flirt and be flirted, to go on dates and take no responsibility. It did not mean he wanted to be a Cassanova - he would not really go for anything more than a dinner with anyone really, but he would love to enjoy a little more experience. It was a new-found freedom he did not have back then when he was too focused on Lily and he wanted to savour it. Giving Sirius what he wanted would be taking all those away. Hell, Sirius was taking those away even when they were nothing more than friends, with him possessively showing up beside James whenever he was close to scoring a date. It frustrated James to no end.

So he kept his balance, not close enough to make them lovers but not distant enough to push Sirius away. It had been a balance successfully maintained throughout the first half of the seventh year. He could feel Sirius getting frustrated with his own lack of progress and give increasingly pushy advances. He was content with his own little victories in this game of courtship.

Sirius could wait, he thought, there was always time. Sirius knew James well too as much as James knew Sirius, if not more. Sirius knew James loved him back, yes _love,_ and that James merely wanted to have some fun before he got tied down. There was also not a moment when James doubted Sirius to know all that, so he knew that Sirius, knowing that James would come around eventually, would wait just about forever.

It was how much they understand each other that made the game fun at the first place. Sometimes James wondered whether he refused to be tied down because he wanted to date with other people or because he wanted to continue the game with Sirius. The little victories made him powerful.

* * *

Then, things all went downhill just before they went home for Christmas.

James was nearly able to get Mary to go on a date with him during the holidays. "Do something muggle," she smiled as she curled her hair around her fingers. James was ready to propose the exact date for a film when Sirius showed up next to him. He did not remember what Sirius said. As far as he was concerned, his date with Mary would never happen.

Something in his brain just snapped. He did not know why he cared so much. He was never that furious of Sirius's tactful interruptions - perhaps it was because it was Mary and everyone wanted to date Mary, or because Mary was Lily's friend and nothing spell "over it" more than dating one's ex-girlfriend's friend. Nonetheless, he was beyond reasons.

"What is your bloody problem?" he growled as he slammed the dormitory door. Sirius, three steps ahead of him, turned around and leaned onto his bedpost with his easy, almost regal grace that only fueled James more at the moment. "You know what my problem is," he said. He did not say it as a plea or a demand, not even a challenge. No, the sun rose everyday from the east, roses were red and James knew what his problem was. His indifference about the matter put James at a complete loss of words. As Sirius's eyes bored into him silently, with no expectation, blame or curiosity, as if he had understood so thoroughly what was behind the James like shell that he might as well be looking at a rock, something burned painfully at James throat and he found himself unable to hold his best friend's gaze. He looked away and sighed, before slipping out of the room, half at lost, half aggravated.

Of course Sirius knew that he knew. He was not surprised, but he would had thought that Sirius would target for subtlety and pretence for a little longer so he would had a little more time to make the decision - to be careless and irresponsible.

* * *

From that day onwards, the dynamic of their little game completely changed. Before, James would be positive to say that he had the upper-hand - Sirius was the one to make advances and he was the one to back away. Yet, Sirius had turned the table around. For the following Christmas, Sirius had somehow developed an uniquely diplomatic way to interact with James. He always managed to talk a lot but not sharing anything important at all. James found talking to Sirius a tedious task throughout the holiday, like he was trying to catch a swift, slippery fish and he always failed. He tried to approach his best friend in different ways. He wanted to at least explain himself to Sirius, that he wanted him too, that he would never get enough of him for a million years, but also that he needed more time. Nothing that Sirius did not already know, James thought, but perhaps it would help if he said it out verbally. Yet, everything had failed. It was like speaking to Sirius through a thick glass wall and Sirius would not even bother to turn to read his lips.

But the true nightmare started when they went back to school. Suddenly, Sirius decided to date other people. Nights after nights, he would have a new date, ditching the Marauders for dinner. There was no criterion for Sirius in choosing his dates as far as James had noticed. Girls, boys, fat, thin, tall, short, it mattered not. Sirius said yes to pretty much everyone that asked. He got a lot of invitations too. He was a good catch, with his good looks, popularity and wit. People flaunted after him, like moths after lights. He would date some a few more times than the others, but not long enough to make anything serious. The point was to make James jealous, to remind him that he should never take Sirius's devotion for granted. James knew that. It would be silly to suggest that Sirius was actually considering to be with someone else. Yet, James had to admit that it was working.

It was surprising how much James hated to see Sirius being with others. He had never entertained the idea of Sirius not being entirely his, even when he was after Lily. It did not matter whether they were romantic or platonic together. Sirius was his. Period. Now, he was completely thrown off guard, even if it was crystal clear that Sirius was merely playing the game.

He was not particularly jealous. Why should he, when he knew he had no reason to be? He was hurt. Sirius had actually believed that he needed to resort to this, giving out his beautiful smile and batting his thick eyelashes to people that did not deserve it, in order to made James his. He was disappointed by himself. He forced Sirius to do this and he still had not the courage to make the commitment.

Alas, he did nothing as he painfully watched Sirius dancing in the arms of others. Each time he clenched his fists and scolded himself for his incompetence. Yet, all the while he was still unable to resist the allure of dating new people.

* * *

All until one day, everything had been built up for that moment. James was not sure which part made him lose it. Probably the combination of everything: Sirius went out with Seth for five times, the most number of dates with others he had had so far. Seth used to compete with James for the chaser place. (That's pure betrayal!) Above all that, tonight, Seth also invited himself to the Marauders' studying session and kept on distracting Sirius with cheesy touches. Out of blue, Seth stopped Sirius when he was in the middle of explaining a charm theory to Peter, and said with disgusting eagerness, "you have really pretty lips." James noticed the way Sirius tensed slightly and shut his eyes.

"Fuck off. He is mine," he heard himself said, throwing caution to the wind. He wished he could have said it plainer, the way it deserved to be said, as if it was the most simple, obvious thing in the world, not in the awkward, angry manner he managed to croak with. Nonetheless, he managed to caught Seth's attention. "What?" Seth said, dumbfounded with this sudden turn of events. "You heard me. Fuck off," James said again, this time much more surely. Seth continued to look rather confused, as if still figuring out what was happening. Then, James punched him.

James heard Remus calling his name faintly. Seth recovered from the punch quickly and almost bounced quick enough to strike back, except he was held firmly by Peter, who was shouting "Calm down! Calm down!" Remus locked him from behind to prevent him from striking again, as he tried to struggle out of his grip. The stress, frustration, agony and guilty he experienced these past months fiercely back to him. Seth materialised all the resentment and animosity he had to both himself and others. It was an explosion.

He was barely aware of the uproar he was causing in the common room and frankly, he did not care. At some point between getting free from Remus's grip and assaulting Seth again, James was made aware of the reality by Sirius, who put his arms around James's shoulder and leaned half of his weight onto James. James was oddly calmed by the way Sirius' nails crawled painfully on his right shoulder and was pulled almost gently back to the dormitory.

"Merlin's pants, James. You're nuts," Peter said nervously as he closed the door behind them abruptly, "I know Seth is not the most likeable fellow in the world, we don't like him either, but …" James was out again. He could heard his own heart pounding loudly in his chest. He now realised he might have made a terrible mistake. There was this little voice in his head saying, it's over, Sirius had won.

He felt someone drawing circles at his wrist repeatedly. He turned and saw Sirius smiling at him, somehow both proud and shy at the same time. The way Sirius's eyes twinkled made him feel invincible again. He nearly forgot how Sirius made him feel with the recent distractions, but he felt it again, the way his whole body was filled with energy, ready to eat the world raw. He laughed and leaned forward to kiss him. This broke off Peter's jittery chatter effectively. "Oh," Remus stated quite needlessly.

 _Oh,_ indeed, James thought at the back of his behind as he deepened the kiss. He wondered why did he even want to play the game in the first place. As fun as the game went, it was never as good as this kiss. Who was he kidding, the kiss was perfection.

"You manipulative fool," he said as he pulled away, out of breath, looking into Sirius's eyes and thought that his chest might explode.

"I demand an apology for taking so long," Sirius smiled, reaching up for another kiss.

"Sorry."


End file.
